One of the most important lessons in youth sports sometimes has nothing to do with the children playing the game. Sometimes it’s the adults who need to learn something.
I spent many years coaching Little League baseball and youth basketball while my sons were growing up. Like most volunteer coaches, I wanted my teams to win. I enjoyed the competition, the preparation, and the satisfaction of watching young players improve.
But winning was only part of the responsibility. We were also teaching children how to handle disappointment, respect their teammates, and behave when things didn’t go their way.
When a Parent’s Outburst Became a Coaching Crisis
One season, early in the schedule, I had an experience that reminded me how quickly adults can lose sight of those responsibilities.
Story at a glance
When a Parent’s Outburst Became a Coaching Crisis
One season, early in the schedule, I had an experience that reminded me how quickly adults can lose sight of those responsibilities.
A Difficult Conversation That Changed My Approach
Afterward, I had a private conversation with my assistant coach. We didn’t know each other particularly well, and I wasn’t interested in turning the incident into a personal confrontation.
What the Experience Taught Me About Leadership
Looking back, I believe there were several lessons in that experience.
Setting Expectations Before Problems Develop
I also learned something about establishing expectations before problems develop.
Why Youth Sports Must Be About More Than Winning
Youth sports should be competitive. They should challenge children and teach them the satisfaction of working toward a goal.
I was working with an assistant coach I hadn’t known very long. We had never coached together before, and we were still learning each other’s personalities and expectations.
During a game, a parent became loud and verbally abusive. His behavior was completely out of line, and my assistant coach reacted angrily. He lost his temper before I had an opportunity to intervene.
I understood why he was upset. The parent’s conduct was unacceptable, and I could appreciate my assistant coach’s frustration. But his reaction made an already unpleasant situation worse. The incident happened so quickly that there was no realistic opportunity for me to stop it.
Unfortunately, the matter didn’t end when the game was over.
The league directors contacted me and made it clear that the situation was serious. I was told when and where to appear for a meeting, and there was no question that I was expected to be there. My future as a coach in the league was somewhat in jeopardy.
The directors made it clear that, as head coach, I was responsible for maintaining control of my assistant coaches. I understood their position, although I also knew the incident had developed before I could possibly have intervened.
It was an uncomfortable experience. I was being held responsible for another adult’s behavior, even though I hadn’t had time to prevent it.
But that is part of being in charge. Responsibility doesn’t always arrive under fair or convenient circumstances.
A Difficult Conversation That Changed My Approach
Afterward, I had a private conversation with my assistant coach. We didn’t know each other particularly well, and I wasn’t interested in turning the incident into a personal confrontation.
I understood what had provoked him. He needed to understand that, however justified his anger might have been, he couldn’t respond that way during a children’s baseball game.
We talked about what had happened and what I expected from him going forward. By the time we finished, we had reached an understanding.
That might have been the end of the story. Instead, it became the beginning of a good working relationship. We continued coaching together, got to know each other better, and eventually became friends. That team became one of the most memorable I ever coached.
But the experience changed the way I approached coaching.
From then on, before a season began, I made certain that every assistant coach, and any parent who might occasionally help us, understood exactly what was expected.
There would be no harassing children on either team. No touching the youngsters. No criticizing players for making mistakes. Corrections were to be constructive, and encouragement was always preferable to criticism. Positive feedback was the rule.
I also established a firm understanding about confrontations with parents.
If a parent became abusive or obnoxious, nobody on my coaching staff was to engage in an argument. Handling those situations was my responsibility.
And if a parent’s behavior needed correcting, the conversation would take place privately, not in front of the players, other parents, or spectators.
There was no reason to embarrass a parent publicly, and certainly no reason to make children witness adults arguing over a baseball game.
Those expectations became an important part of how I managed every team.
What the Experience Taught Me About Leadership
Looking back, I believe there were several lessons in that experience.
The first was that understanding someone’s anger is not the same as approving of how they express it. My assistant coach had good reason to be upset with the parent, but the children were watching. They deserved better from the adults around them.
The second was that leadership sometimes means accepting responsibility for things you couldn’t have prevented. The league expected me to maintain control of my coaching staff. Whether I thought its criticism was entirely fair didn’t change my obligation to address the problem.
The third was that correcting someone doesn’t have to destroy a relationship.
Too often, disagreements become contests of pride. One person feels compelled to defend his behavior, while the other feels compelled to establish his authority. Neither approach necessarily solves anything.
My assistant coach and I moved beyond that. We listened to each other, established expectations, and continued working together.
There was another lesson, one that applied to the parent as well as the coaches.
Adults sometimes forget how much influence they have over children involved in sports.
Parents want their children to succeed. Coaches want their teams to win. Both can become emotionally invested in the outcome.
But children notice how adults behave when things go wrong.
They notice when a parent becomes abusive. They notice when a coach loses control. They also notice when adults handle disagreements respectfully and move forward.
A coach can spend an entire practice talking about sportsmanship, but one angry outburst during a game can undermine the message.
That doesn’t mean coaches must remain indifferent to what happens on the field. Competition is emotional, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to win.
Children benefit from learning to compete seriously, prepare properly, and care about the outcome. The challenge is teaching them that disappointment doesn’t excuse bad behavior.
We tell young athletes that mistakes are opportunities to learn. We encourage them to recover from a bad play, accept correction, and try again.
Adults should demonstrate those same qualities.
Setting Expectations Before Problems Develop
I also learned something about establishing expectations before problems develop.
Because my assistant coach and I were new to working together, we hadn’t developed the understanding that experienced coaching partners often take for granted.
A coaching staff needs more than knowledge of the game. It needs a shared understanding of how to handle parents, officials, opponents, and difficult situations.
Those conversations are easier before a problem occurs than afterward.
Over the years, the lessons from that difficult afternoon made me a better coach. They also earned me respect throughout the league.
In the years that followed, I was invited to coach teams in the league championships every year. That was particularly satisfying, considering that the original incident had placed my future as a coach in question.
Why Youth Sports Must Be About More Than Winning
Youth sports should be competitive. They should challenge children and teach them the satisfaction of working toward a goal.
But the value of a season cannot be measured entirely by wins and losses. Some of the most successful teams are remembered for reasons that have little to do with their records.
I don’t remember that particular team primarily because of its victories or defeats. I remember the people, the relationships, and the experience of coaching together.
What began with an unpleasant confrontation ultimately became a friendship and a memorable season.
More importantly, it changed the way I approached my responsibilities as a coach.
Good coaching requires more than teaching children how to play a game. It requires patience, judgment, accountability, and the willingness to learn from difficult experiences.
And sometimes the person who needs a little coaching is standing beside you in the dugout.
Further Reading on Youth Sports and Sportsmanship
Editor’s resources: Patrick’s reflections concern a personal experience. For additional guidance, readers can consult Little League’s parent code of conduct guidance and its recommendations for developing constructive relationships between parents and coaches.
The Sports Encounter has also examined the hidden demands youth sports place on families, safety and responsibility in selecting sports equipment, and how changing youth competition structures can influence player development.
About the Author
Patrick Mansell is a South Florida-based author and former volunteer youth baseball and basketball coach. He is the author of Beyond Winning, a book exploring competition, coaching, and personal achievement. His writing draws on experiences in sports, business, fishing, and competitive poker.
Editorial disclosure: This is an unpaid, independently submitted first-person contribution. The experiences and opinions expressed are those of the author. The Sports Encounter has reviewed the submission for editorial presentation and clarity.
